This is my attempt to rank the entire WM34 card by my interest and excitement level. Even though this is The Five Star Show, I’m not going to rank the matches by stars because, you know, Meltzer. So I’m going to rank these matches instead by Fucks given. Zero Fucks means I do not care at all whatsoever. Five Fucks given means I am super excited about this match. Got it. Let’s go.
AJ Styles vs Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE Championship – Five Fucks
Let me remind everyone that the WWE Championship is THE CHAMPIONSHIP in the promotion. Not the big red belt. This belt. This match will be awesome.
The Miz vs Seth Rollins vs Finn Balor for the Intercontinental Championship – Four Fucks
My prediction is Miz takes time off for the baby. Seth Rollins loses and goes to Smackdown. Finn Balor is your IC champion for the summer.
Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship – Three and a Half Fucks
Too many people are shitting on this match before it even happens. Yes we think we know the end result. So what? If Brock actually tries to give a shit, this match can be a good ole slobberknocker. I’m down for a beast fight.
Charlotte Flair vs Asuka for the Smackdown Women’s Championship – Three Fucks
There isn’t a performer I care less about than Carmella. Yet I’ve been super intrigued as to what she does with her Money in the Bank briefcase. Does she cash in here and end the streak? Does she cash in and lose? Does she cash in on the Raw match? I hope it’s just Charlotte and Asuka putting on a good show without any Carmella nonsense.
Rusev vs Randy Orton vs Jinder Mahal vs Bobby Roode for the United States Championship – Three Fucks
Do we get Randy Orton that gives a shit? Or do we get Randy that chills til it’s RKO time? This better be Rusev Day.
The Bar vs Braun Strowman and TBA for the Raw Tag Team Titles – Three Fucks
The only interest I have in this is to see the mystery partner. The reason this gets three fucks is because I love Braun destroying people and objects.
The Usos vs New Day vs Bludgeon Brothers for the Smackdown Tag Team Titles – Two and a Half Fucks
This match will be better than 2.5 fucks. But I’ve seen New Day and Usos enough already. Hopefully BB looks dominate and shocks the Universe by destroying both teams.
Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn – Two Fucks
Sami Zayn does nothing for me. Same for Kevin Owens unless he’s with Jericho. Shane is only good to me when he jumps off high objects. This is a two fuck match only because of the return of Daniel Bryan. And honestly, I’m terrified for him. I hope nothing bad happens for his health.
Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle vs Stephanie McMahon and Triple H – Two Fucks
Kurt Angle and Triple H in 2004 would be a four fuck match. In 2018, not so much. Ronda wins by armbar. I hope Ronda looks good in the ring. Curious to see her ring gear. Is it the UFC style sports bra and shorts? Or does she go Rowdy shirt? Stephanie looks like she’s in good shape. Hopefully she does something other than a slap.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal – Two Fucks
The winner of the Battle Royal goes on to do… nothing. Basically. Let Curt Hawkins win this thing by doing nothing. It’s for entertainment. Despite WWE’s attempts, it’s not prestigious. Have fun with it.
The artist formally known as the Fabulous Moolah Women’s Battle Royal – Two Fucks
Sasha and Bayley already have a storyline that can be an individual match later on. Becky Lynch needs the win to get her back on track. She’s a 4 horsewoman. She’s the only one of the 4 that has no individual storyline at his point.
Nia Jax vs Alexa Bliss for the Raw Women’s Championship – One Fuck
The Mean Girls fat shaming build is horrendous. I hate it. Let’s have a women’s revolution where everything is historic. Also, let’s make fun of Nia and her “blubber.” Terrible. Mickie is going to help Nia. Nia wins.
Cedric Alexander vs Mustafa Ali for the Cruiserweight Championship – One Fuck
This will for sure be a four fuck match in terms of quality. But, once again, Cruiserweights are relegated to the PreShow. If WWE doesn’t give a fuck, I’ll give one fuck.
John Cena vs The Undertaker – ZERO FUCKS
This build has killed this match for me. I LOVE The Undertaker. But John Cena begging for his Make a Wish to come true is terrible. Yes, he has done a good job I guess with his promos trying to summon the deadman. But I hate it. I also don’t love the Badass Taker. That said, if the gong hits during Mania, I will jump out of my chair.
photo via quickmeme