WHEN IT’S OVER

So I haven’t written a Fastlane recap. Nor have I done a Raw or Smackdown review. Nothing on NFL Free Agency. Nothing on the NCAA tournament. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t.

Here’s why I haven’t. I am currently dealing with intense migraines. These migraines have made me late for work at my day job, and miss work at my night job. These migraines have also deteriorated my personal life. My relationship is essentially over. My girlfriend and daughter are probably going to leave me.

I give the impression, or at least try to, that everything is okay. I might be broke but I’ll act like I have money. I may be miserable but I’ll smile in person. My dad was good at this. He had me fooled until I got older. By the time I really figured it out, he died. By the time anyone pays attention to my pain, I’ll die.

These migraines started from my nose essentially falling apart. As previously noted. I love cocaine. I would do it everyday if I could. I did do it everyday for a long period of time. And now my right nostril is useless. It’s swollen and dry. It causes migraines. Usually when I try to sleep. I lay in bed crying. As I am currently. Sitting in the dark with my laptop screen turned so dark, I can barely read what I’m typing.

My girlfriend says go to the doctor. I refuse. It’s expensive. I don’t live a healthy lifestyle. I already know what the doctor will say. “Sir, stop smoking and drinking. Eat healthier. Drink more water. Exercise. Here’s some Tylenol. That’ll be $7,000. You can pay at the receptionist desk.” Basically, I feel like the doctor tells you you’re going to die. You get it in your head that you’re going to die. Then you die.

Because I refuse to go to the doctor, my girlfriend has given up on trying to take care of me. At first, she gave me medicine. She rubbed my head. She made me food. Now, she offers to bring food. I tell her to get whatever is easiest. She calls a second time when I thought she’d be home already to see what I want. I told her forget it. So she didn’t bring anything. Now I’m super hungry.

To make this perfectly clear. I am in bed with the lights off crying and typing this article. I’m debating whether suicide is worth it or is it selfish. She’s in the living room watching RuPaul Drag Show.

I never had suicidal thoughts except when I was really bad on drugs. That was more of the come down though. I was always too scared to do anything more than think about it briefly. Now, I’ve considered it more than ever. The only reason I haven’t come up with a plan on how to do it is my daughter. Well two reasons I guess. The second being the hope that this pain will eventually go away.

I don’t own a gun thankfully or I probably would’ve shot myself or someone else. I don’t like blood so a knife is out. Choking seems miserable. Same for burning or drowning. So I really have no idea how I would take myself out. Thankfully, when I do start to come up with a plan, I look at my daughter and see my face in hers. I hold off and put the bad thoughts away, at least for a while.

I have been violent toward my girlfriend. I haven’t hit her but at this rate I probably will. She pushes and pushes when I need to be dealt with gently. You have to be easy with me in the morning. It can’t be a fire drill. This morning I asked her to let me wake up peacefully. She was in a hurry and didn’t want me to fall back asleep. It’s one of my daddy daughter days. So she made sure I was awake. I ended up punching a dresser, breaking the fan, and flipping the bed. It was 730 ish this morning.

I don’t make her life easy. She’s an incredible mom. If she wasn’t here, my daughter would probably have no teeth and be diseased. I’d be worse off than I already am. I see her face when she’s upset with me. I pretty much know that if I wasn’t in her life, she would be much happier. That makes me feel miserable. I am the single reason why this person I care about is unhappy. I thought I would bring joy to her life. Instead I bring her misery. She’s only with me because the kid. Truthfully, at this point the feeling is mutual.

I can be dramatic. So maybe she thinks that’s what I’m doing now. When I have a cold you would think I’m dying. Maybe that is affecting her feelings toward my pain. Her indifference if you will. Now the question that has to be asked is… what do I want her to do? If she offered to talk to me, would I talk? If she offered rehab or counseling for me, would I take it? Probably no and no.

So if I refuse help and assistance, what is one to do? I guess just let me die. Maybe not literally die. But just mentally die. I’m mentally dead right now it seems.

She threatens to leave. I used to be terrified when she threatened to leave. My family. My daughter. This can’t happen please don’t leave I’m sorry. Now I’m like leave then bitch. You’re too scared to leave you lazy bitch. Go for it. You’ve been here 3 years you know where the door is by now.

I know something is wrong this time. It’s Wrestlemania season. There’s great boxing happening this year. The NCAA tournament is about to start. The Titans are becoming the Tennessee Patriots. And I just don’t give a fuck. I want to give a fuck. But I don’t have the energy. I’m in pain. I don’t have the strength. I’m in pain. I don’t have the desire. I’m in pain.

I’m in too much pain to care if my family leaves. If I lose my jobs. If the site does well. (hint: if you have a wwe/sports site and don’t post about wwe/sports…it won’t do well)

So this is why the site has been not as good lately. This is why I’ve been not as good lately. Hopefully it’ll get better. The pain will go away. If not, then I’ll go away.